Reframing Apologies; Part I
I’ve been thinking about how the language we choose can change the message we want to convey. There are two main themes I’ve been reflecting on with this. First, how we tend to minimize when someone has crossed a boundary, let us down or hurt us in some manner by responding to an apology in a manner that doesn’t acknowledge the infraction. Secondly, many of us have the habit of apologizing unnecessarily.
I want to touch on how we both receive and offer apologies in two separate reflections and offer alternatives that help us to respect our expectations of others and our self-value.
Part I: Our Responses to Apologies
An interaction that highlighted this for me recently was when someone completely missed a meeting we had scheduled. I contacted the person to address it, and they immediately apologized, and it was genuine. My automatic response that popped into my head (and the tip of my tongue) was “it’s okay.” This response to an apology is a common one and something I’d like to adjust. I want to be able to accept and acknowledge someone’s (appropriate) apology to me without dismissing the fact that there was genuinely something to apologize for. When there has truly been a breach of expectation in a relationship, we don’t want to dismiss that by saying “it’s okay,” when it may not be. Below are some alternatives to “it’s okay,” “it’s fine” or “don’t worry about it.”
For more minor infractions:
“Thank you.”
“I appreciate that.”
“Thanks for acknowledging it - that means a lot.”
“We all make mistakes, thanks for owning yours.”
And when the apology is in a more meaningful relationship and related to a more serious hurt:
“I’m still working through how I feel, but I appreciate the apology.”
“Hearing that helps. I may still need some time to sort it out.”
“Let’s learn from this. I value our relationship and hope we can grow from this.”
Instead of automatically saying “it’s okay” when receiving an apology, we can choose responses that acknowledge the hurt while honouring the effort to make amends. This shift helps uphold both our boundaries and the integrity of the relationship.